So yes, I am fast approaching the end of developers. Considering I thought I would be on it for an age, I think I've done pretty well to start RTM by mid April. When I first started looking at an end date I thought May was reasonable, so am feeling pretty pleased with myself.

Right then, stuff to tell you all about.

I went to Bristol, and those who read my regular journal will know that I had a pretty amazing time. Managed to stick to LL for the whole time. In fact, was so busy having such a great time I almost forgot to have all my packs! People were keen on getting me to eat, but just didn't make a big deal about it and it went away. If anyone asked me if I wanted anything, I just replied with 'no thanks, not hungry right now' and they left me to it. Hoorah. Also had some wonderful compliments from nice epeople about how I look, which certainly flattered my ego. Even bared more flesh than I ever thought I would by wearing short skirts and halter tops. Shocking behaviour! ;o)

The day after I got back I had my weigh in and lost a marvellous 4lb. This also took me under my goal and made me do a little dance. So, after a small amount of thought, I decided to stay on developers one more week, and on Wednesday I have my first RTM meeting. Am very much looking forward to getting my little cook book and eating chicken for the first time.

The other bit of exciting stuff to share is that I am going to be in the local newspaper. The Driffield Times are doing a series of features on LL, and I'm the first part of it all. so the whole of Driffield are going to get to see my before and after pics, which slightly scares me, but hey, if it gets more people interested in LL and highlights what an excellent programme it is, then I reckon its all to the good.

Am thinking of applying for one of those LL makeover photo sesh things, reckon it would be a good laugh.

Right, time to go have a shower and hopefully perk myself up a bit. Have managed to catch the dreaded lurgy form the Bristolians, damn them and all their kind. I thought I was getting better on Friday, but seem to have gone downhill again. Grrrr.

Good news gentlemen!!!!

Today marks the end of me being on developers. As of Wednesday next week I will officially be on route to management, as today I smashed my target. At weigh in I stood at 10st 13.5lb, which is admittedly only half a pound under target, but my next week I should be 3lb under which will give me some room for weight fluctuation. I am indeed a happy bunny.

I am sorry for not updating this thing like I should, and to be honest I don't really have the time to do it tonight as I am knackered and need sleep, but I have more exciting news potentially, and should be in more of a position to share all tomorrow. So you will all just have to wait!

Well, have had a pretty crap week all in all. However, on looking out of my window and seeing snow I feel a little happier. I do love snow. Maybe it stems from having lived in Estonia for a while a few years ago, I don't know. Shame it's snowing this late in the year, really need it to warm up cos I hate being so cold all the time.

Weigh in was a bit of a let down. Only lost a pound. I know, I know, at weight watchers that would be fabulous, I'd be slimmer of the week or something, but considering I'm used to losing between 3 and 4 each week, it really upset me and I had a bit of a cry. I know why I haven't lost much, it's due to being all time of the month and hormonal, but still. Add to that a bundle of emotions due to aforementioned girl crappyness and I was a bit of a wreck. It just struck me as being incredibly unfair. I sacrifice so much doing this in a sense, and I feel like I haven't been justly rewarded this week.

This means that I will probably be in developers another week extra to what I'd hoped for *sigh*. And I definately won't be on RTM by the time I go away. Slightly disappointed, but what can you do?

So, at the moment I'm 11st 10.5lb. Which is also annoying, as at 10st 10lb I would have had a healthy BMI, but meh. I'll keep on keeping on and hopefully next week's loss will be a bit better. I don't think it'll make up for this week at all, but that could just be me trying to do damage limitation on any potential crush of confidence.

I'm 99% sure I won't have a break now. I think after this week's let down it would do me too much harm, and the temptation to go a bit mad would be too great.

So anyways, onwards and upwards, and here's hoping for a better week now that it's the holidays. At least work will be nice and quiet. In theory anyways.

Well, here I am after far too long an absence. Apologies dear readers for staying away so long, things have been rather hectic.

So, first of all - weight news. I am currently weighing 11st 11.5lb. This makes me very happy indeed as am only about 11.5lb away from a target. I don't know what I'm going to do when I get to that weight, as I don't know if I'll be the right size, but I guess it's a case of getting there and seeing where I go.

I am now in a developpers group with two other ladies. It seems very strange in a sense to suddenly be amongst people again as I've been used to it being just me for so very long, but it's nice to have company and more people in a conversation. Weigh ins have also now changed to a thursday evening, which meant that the last week I only lost 1.5lb inbetween weigh ins, but I know a lot of that is down to time of day, 2 days early etc etc so am not letting it get to me. Was actually not expecting to lose any weight at all, so was pleasantly surprised to see that I had indeed lost something.

I have been occasionhally feeling completely uninspired to carry on, and I don't know if that's a developpers thing, or if it's just because the end is so close. I know I won't quit now because I have all these fabulous clothes that are just a couple of inches away from fitting properly again, and it would be foolish to stop at the 'alright' phase, especially when I'm so close to the 'fabulous' phase, you know? It is though, making me think about taking a holiday from LighterLife, if only for 4 days when I go to Bristol. It probably seems a bit daft to be thinking of taking a break when I'm so close to the end, but to be truthful, I have a feeling that I will need to get down to 10.5 satone, instead of 11. I know ;loseing 11.5lb could make a big difference to my size though, so like I said earlier maybe I'll just have to wait and see.

Well 400 food packs down and 3st 12lb lighter, have made it to the end of Foundation. Hoo and indeed rah!

I can't believe I haven't eaten real food for 100 days, that sounds kinda scary!

Apologies for the lack of updates, things have just been sort of hectic, I promise there will be a proper update tomorrow after dance class, for I'm sure I have a lot more to say.

Well ladles and jellyspoons, today was the day that the email was sent out by LighterLife with my blog extract in it, and oh my god how exciting is that!?!?!?! Really boosted me to see it in glorious technicolour, and knowing that potentially quite a few people would be reading it. May have to see if I can post it up tomorrow night for you all to see.

Have been showing anyone and everyone at work my before and after pics, and hearing them shriek in shock has been immensely satisfying lol. Everyone has been so pleased for me. Am bypassing the bit where they all tell me to stop now, because I know I'm not quite there yet. not long to go though, hopefully.

Well, yesterday was weigh in day, which went okay. Lost 3lb, so am being consistent. Would have loved to have lost a little bit more, but I'm still pleased with 3. Also got back my before and after pictures....

( Read more... )

So yes, bit of a shock really. It feels difficult trying to remember looking that big. I can remember how self conscious I was, how much my size governed my actions and feelings, but I find it hard to remember looking like that.

On Saturday afternoon I went to Hull to go and look at dresses to wear to a wedding in the summer. I found an amazing dress in Hull, bright turquoise blue, very cute, and the size 14 fits me NOW. Colour me completely surprised! So, didn't get the dress because it'll be too big for me by the time I go to the wedding. Need to go back in a few weeks and try on the size 12 lol.

Had a bit of a spending spree in Primark, or as my friends call it, Primani. First time I've ever been shopping there, and OMG I could have gone crazy. Ended up getting 2 long sleeve t-shirts, 1 short sleeve t-shirt, some pants, a bag, and some sunglasses. And all for £20. Fantastic! Have decided I love Primark, and will most certianly be going back.

Went to a Virgin Vie party last night, feeling all spiffing in my new clothes, and was lovely. Actually enjoyed a girly evening looking at girly cosmetic things. Never used to be my cup of tea as I wondered what the point was, but last night was more fun than I expected.

So, less than 10 days left on Foundation. Feels good to be honest. I feel like I've come a long way, and it's been an amazing journey. Now to move onto Developers and continue the weight loss. I just hope my enthusiasm doesn't dip any. I don't think it will. I'm so close now to my target that my determinism is really beginning to kick in.

Decided to update the layout after all. Got fed up of the green. Now I just need to tweak the CSS and make the little user icon appear. Don't know why it isn't doing it. *growls*. OH well, it's blue and it's preeetyful. I like it.

I am so rubbish it beggars belief. Can't be arsed to do anymore photoshopping for my journal layout. I tried, I failed. Trouble is, it's been so long since I've had the inclination to do any mucking around creatively that I've forgotten how to do really basic stuff. Oooops. May have to enlist some help from someone....

Weigh in tomorrow, plus I receive my before and after pics. Kind of nervous about the whole thing. I have seen photos of me from when I was bigger, and I just can't believe I was that size. I think part of it is that I look in the mirror and see the same person. I don't think it's body dysmorphia or anything messed up like that. I think it's just that I know the person I see has been there all along, just waiting to shine, and now I can't imagine it any other way.

I'm really nervous about seeing what I used to look like :S. I don't want to get all tearful about it, because I should be happy. And I am! I have come such a looooong looooooooong way since three months ago, and as my parents say, I should be proud of all my achievements. And they're not just limited to my weight. I have become so much happier and more confident, in my appearance, in my skills, in my relationships with other people.

I remember something that happened just before I started lighterlife. I was staying at a guy's house, had been on a date, and was kipping over as had had a couple of beers. I was cold so I wrapped a blanket around me, and he cracked a joke - 'call me bubbles', you know, the obese woman in Little Britain. I don't think I realised until recently how much this got to me. I know he only said it because of the way I wrapped myself up, but looking back now, it was probably an apt description. It hurts that someone I was going to invest time in could say something like that, especially as he knew I had a thing about how big I was.

I don't ever want to be that insecure person again, the one that worries about what other people think of her. The one that dresses as to hide her body shape instead of celebrate it. The one that avoids getting close to people she likes because she's scared of them seeing her naked. I know I'll never have a supermodel body, and truth be told I don't want one. But I want to be able to be unashamed about my naked body, as one day I think I would like someone else to see it and tell me how gorgeous I am - and for them to mean it.

I've been having issues about getting my head into the frame of mind whereby I believe I'll be a size 14 again. I think one big milestone today was trying on a topshop size 16 pair of trousers, and for them to be loose. Plus, my high waisted trousers have turned into hipsters lol. So the physical proof that it is happening is starting to show. That really helps. Another thing that I didn't think would help but does, is when people tell me I should stop now as I've lost enough. Oddly enough that makes me more and more determined to carry on!

I've made a decision - I'm definately going to do 3 weeks of developers, and then I'm going to re-evaluate. 3 weeks = 10.5 lb at my current rate, and if *fingers crossed* I lose 3.5 lb tomorrow, that will take me down to 12 st 2. So, plus my projected loss, that would get me to a healthy BMI. Then it's all about getting into my party trousers....

You may have noticed that my journal has taken on a slight Dr Who theme. This is a temporary measure, I promise. I'm simply mucking around with customising my journal to make it look more lighterlifey, and well, I found this green layout and liked the style. I want to muck around with the CSS and tweak it a bit, also change the header. As awesome as the Doctor and Rose are, I don't think they'll ever need to do LighterLife, the skinny minnies.

Things are pretty good today, have got a new reader! Hello to makingtheboy who has just started his LighterLife journey. You're doing great so far hun. I know the first three days suck, just stick with it, and it'll soon improve. Just remember, you're one of those lucky types (ie male, grrr) who only have to do foundation for 8 weeks. The weight will come off a lot quicker, just remember that and stick to your goals and you'll be fine!

My Mum and I are embarking on a bit of a clothes making project. I have long complained about the fact that I do not own a little black dress (hereafter referred to as an LBD), and the other night we found a couple of cracking patterns on the Vogue website. Only cost us £15 for two LBD patterns plus postage from the states. Hopefully they should arrive within the next couple of days or so. Not going to make my LBDs until I'm at my target size, but we have fabric, and trimming, and EVERYTHING. Oh yuss. The good thing about making clothes from scratch is that we can make to fit me perfectly Thus obviously emphasising my hawtness.

I might also have somewhere I can wear a little black dress to. I have been emailing a very nice gentleman for a couple of weeks, and he has threatened to take me out to a nice restaurant. 'For food?!?!?' I hear you question. Well, yes. Obviously I'm not going until I finish the foundation phase and start RTM, but the way things are going, that could be a lot sooner than I reckoned. I didn't think I'd ben finished with this diet malarkey till the end of May, but I could be done on Foundation by the end of March, which would be bloody marvellous. Plus, going on a not-date (kinda like a hot date, but errrr ... not) gives me something to look forward to.

I found a useful graph thing on a forum somewhere that automatically calculates your progress and finish date for you based on what you loose each week. It seems to reckon that I should reach my goal by 28th March. That would most certainly make me jump for joy.

So..... Things to do:

-Finish mucking aorund with my journal layout
-Add some useful links to my sidebar (as I'm collecting them now)
-Add link for downloading spreadsheet
-Post my Fridgegraph for you to check out how fabulous I am
-Get some sleep

Well, gonna try and work on the last one right now, and probably look at the rest tomorrow night.

I thought it was about time I did a silly entry. so here it is. Though actually, it's probably quite useful for those who are looking for something different to do with their food packs. I do this every day with my chicken soup, and it's very tasty.

( Episode 1 of Cooking With Laura! )

Well, I had my weigh in on Saturday, and lost 3lb last week. Not my usual 3.5, but still good nonetheless, and considering I lost 4lb the previous week, well, it all balances out really. So yes, am pretty pleased. Also got all dolled up for my 'after' photos, figured I should make a special effort and all ;o). I think I may have overdone it slightly as nearly made my cousellor all weepy with how nice I looked, and I got an enormous hug. Won't get my pics until next week, but I promise to scan them in for all you lovely readers out there.

Had a bit of a bleugh Sunday, as developped a migraine, but I don't think that was anything diet related. I think I was just buggered after a busy week, and my body was letting me know it wasn't happy. So, I was a bit spaced out yesterday, and most of today, but am feeling a lot better now.

At the moment, I have a dog resting her head on my left arm, so I'm having issues typing (she's telling me through being sleepy and cute that she needs more walks, I can deal with that). However, instead of typing, I have something much more exciting for you. The other day I decided to take pics of myself to demonstrate the parts of my body I really like now that I have lost nearly 3 and a half stone. So here we are with a glamourous photoshoot special*....


( Laura's favourite body bits!!!! )

*please note that for all my male readers, whilst I quite like my boobs, they are not below the cut. Shame on you for hoping otherwise!

Feeling very emotional. Things have been rough the past couple of days. With the weather being so cold, I have been really affected by it. I've found it near impossible to get warm, and as a result I have been feeling really tired and dizzy all the time. I am so run down, and just want to cry all the time. I think I'm past the point of frustration. I dunno, maybe I'm coming down with something. Wouldn't really surprise me, hell, I catch ever lurgy under the sun normally, and it's been over a month since the last time I was ill. Going by my track record I'm due another cough or cold some time soon.

I'm finding it really hard to be positive this week, but in a sense it's making me dig my heels in even more. I'm not going to stop now, even though I feel so rotten. I've always been a bit stubborn like that.

This week I'm meant to be looking at my goals for LL, and well, I think my goals that I made in the beginning are still looking good and going ahead as planned. If I recall correctly, I was aiming to:

- Be a size 14 by my birthday (July 13th)

- Fit into my party trousers (small size 14)

- Reduce risks to my health by being overweight

All very solid goals really. My counsellor suggested maybe amending the time limits on my goals, maybe adding a time limit to fitting into my trousers. Truth be told I'm a bit scared to. A part of me still thinks I might not succeed on this, which is daft really considering how far I've come. It's probably my internal chatterbox niggling away at me and making me doubt myself. I'm just so scared that I've come all this way and I still might not succeed. I should learn to have more confidence in myself really. It's just hard when I feel so rotten.

Maybe I should try aiming to be a size 14 by 1st May. Maybe that's acheivable? I think so.

I need to look at coming up with some steps to helping me acheive my goals. Well, dancing and walking have kind of fallen by the wayside this week, though that's mostly been due to my dog being really poorly. We thought she was on death's door, and I reckon that's also dragged me down a lot. I do love my pooch, and I have been very VERY worried about her. However, she is on antibiotics, and hopefully on the mend. So, next week wlaking and dancing starts anew. Things I already do arfed to try and wear at least one new thing a week that I've started to be able to fit into. This always boosts me a little. Have also created a sort of mini goal in the form of finding a beautiful size 14 dress to wear to my friend's wedding this year. So far have seen a few nice things but nothing has especially grabbed me.

Right, am gonna go and make a hot chocolate and possibly curl up in bed.

I like bed - it's the only place I feel warm at the moment.

Well, weigh in today, and I lost a whopping 4lb, wooooooooo! I really wasn't expecting to lose much this week, and I was okay with that as I felt I'd lost size anyways. So yes, very pleased with that result, so pleased that I also had my measurements done which made me even happier. Chest has gone from 111cm to 102 cm, waist has gone from 89.5 cm to 78.5 cm, and hips have gone from 122 cm to 110 cm. HUGE improvement, and has really boosted my confidence this week. I think my whole week has actually been made better by my exciting news mentioned in previous post, so maybe having a positive outlook really does help!

I had a bit of an iffy day on Friday as hadn't drunk enough the day before, woke up with a really bad dehydration headache which was most unpleasant. It all happened because the day before I'd gone to Leeds with Mum shopping and forgot to drink enough during the day. I know, not very sensible, but it certainly won't be happening again. Leeds was a good day out, didn't actually buy anything, but saw loads of things I'd like to get when I'm smaller. Mum says it's great going shopping with me now. When I was bigger I'd get more and more miserable as the day went on as I wouldn't be able to find anything to fit me. Now I get more and more positive as I can find loads of things I like and have plenty to look forward to.

Went to see Emily on Friday, who I used to work with last year. She was super positive and really supportive of my efforts, which made a nice change. I get the feeling that a lot of my local friends aren't so pleased for me. I might be imagining it, but I sometimes feel like they resent me losing weight, because I'm no longer the fat friend. I understand why it might be hard, but it's not my fault, you know? They knew me when I was thinner, and I'm only returning to that state, so I don't get it. Oh well. I'm not doing it for them, I'm doing it for me, so their negative opinions don't really matter. I just wish that occasionally I could get a bit more support and encouragement.

Well, I haven't updated in a while, so I just go through a few things before I tell you all my big announcement.

Firstly, weigh in was on Sat. Lost 3.5lbs once again, am liking the consistency of my weight loss. Makes it possible to estimate with some degree of accuracy how long it will be till I start Management. Am really REALLY looking forward to Management. I can't wait to taste something other than food packs and flavoured water. Don't get me wrong, I like the food packs, most of the time. It’s just all beginning to get a little repetitive now, and I love a bit of variation. I could always mix up my flavours maybe..... Hmmmm, I dunno, don't want to make an ickyfied meal and waste food packs if I can't bring myself to consume a nightmarish concoction.

In other normal news, things have been okay this week. Nothing startlingly good or bad, just ticking over really. Have been headachey, but I think that's been caused by girl crappy hormones and icky fire alarm beepage at work. Am relieved my period started actually, was kinda late, which since starting LL has not been normal. But, at least I won't be all hormonal when I go away in April and May, which is always a good thing. Am trying to keep up with the dog walking, though being headachey hasn't helped much. Oh well, at least my dog still loves me, though she can be a fickle creature, and the smallest hint of a treat will cause her to love ANYONE for at least 2 minutes.

So, I should probably tell you all my big announcement..... (I hope my lovely new blog reader doesn't mind me posting this! Obviously it's edited slightly so I can get to the point of my huge announcement, and take out any personal stuff)


Hi Laura

My name is ****** and I am the ******** ********* at LighterLife (Central Office).

I have been watching your blog with interest over the past months – I really enjoy your writing style and the honesty with which you are describing your journey.

We are about to send out a series of four weekly newsletters to people who are seriously considering joining the programme (first one will go out on 22nd February, and the last one on 14th March), and I would like to use some quotations from your blog for the first three – and put a link to your blog on the last newsletter.

Please can you think about this and let me know if you are happy for me to do this. I look forward to hearing from you as soon as possible. If you have any other questions or just want to have a chat about this, please feel free to contact me.

Take care and best of luck with the rest of your LighterLife journey.

How exciting is this?!?!?!?! OMG, I am so unbelievably flattered and awed that my journal could be used so positively. I called the lady on the phone today and she was fantastic. Apparently she found me by googling LighterLife. See, I thought it had all gone through my counsellor, but no! I'm kinda flabbergasted really, and keep bouncing around all excited. And then I think I need to tidy this thing up and make it more user friendly lol. I'm not going to change the way I write or anything (cos there are far too many entries to go back and amend!), but I might do a top box with easy click links, and add links to the end of each entry that will point to the next one, as it is a bit of a faff going all the way to the beginning and clicking through. Okay, starting to techno geek waffle, will shut up. But of you can think of any ideas for me to smarten this thing up, let me know.

It's really nice to think that someone I don't know has accidentally found this, and really likes what I've written. And it's even nicer to think that other people could soon be reading it, and finding it interesting and/or useful.

So, I could end up being somewhat of an internet celebrity, folks. How fancy is that eh? Just remember me, you knew me way back when.... lol.

So, anyways, it's nearly time for Torchwood so I best be off. I can't remember if I wrote this in here, but I was using Torchwood as some kind of guideline for when I should be finished by. I think it's episode 5 tonight, and I think there are 13 eps in a series. So, another 8 weeks to go. Well, the way I see it, time always flies when your favourite TV show is on *nods*.

I'm having a really low week. *frowns*

I think I'm beginning to get fed up. I can see the end, and it's not getting here quick enough. I know, I know, last week I was writing about the end being scary, but I think I've gotten over that now.

But anyways, must not get too bogged down in feeling low, as there have been some positives this week.

This week I have been trying to say no. This is because I focus more on other people's happiness more than my own, and as a result can often end up doing myself harm, although it may be completely unintentional.

I was put in a situation on Saturday where the old less confident less secure self would have said yes, and had big regrets afterwards. I won't go into details, but it involved a man who wanted to 'get to know me better', if you get my meaning. He was very attractive, very funny, very likeable, but totally not interested in anything other than a one night fling.

I was amazed by the fact that I turned him down to be honest, the words actually came out of my mouth before I realised what I was saying. It did feel very scary, I didn't want to be accused of leading someone on, or have someone get sulky with me, but surprisingly enough, the guy actually understood, and as a result of e being honest about what I was not prepared to do, we ended up having a really good chat (till about 5 am, oooops).

I think part of the reason I said no was because I'm not 100% happy with my body quite yet either. I think it's a bit different if you're in a secure relationship whilst doing this LL thing, as your partner loved you when you were bigger. But being a singleton? Well, dealing with a life changing decision, and dealing with getting back out on the market again, it's a bloody mine field.

I think saying no at the weekend was a very brave and a very good thing to do. I think that just because I'm not ready for a relationship right now, that it's no excuse to go out and do something stupid in order to feel wanted. I feel more confident as a result, and more able to be honest about what I do and don't want.

I feel like I've been on autopilot a lot of this week, and have had to work hard at remembering to do things like having food packs, using my brain, making my eyes focus. I think after the week of hellishness last week I've just relaxed, and lost all my brain capacity in the process. On the plus side, I'm not ill. Normally when I relax after a tough week I tend to die of the lurgy in the process. So, maybe my immune system is finally improving.

I've been quite headachey the past couple of days, and as a result I've been lying down a lot and not doing my homework :(. So I'm going to be the class dunce this week, and considering it's a class of one, that's really REALLY embarrassing. But I have thought about it a lot, and talked it over a lot. I've been thinking about 'games', which are the conversations we get into with people which go round in circles as one person plays the victim, and the other plays the hero/persecutor. I'm actually pretty good at recognising games and not getting into them. I seem to have done it a lot at work this week. People trying to get round me at work, and me simply explaining what I can and can't do and suggesting they speak to someone else. People often try and get around me at work, without actually realising I haven't got the authority they are hoping for. It's taken a while, but have gotten wise to what they do now. So in a sense, this job has been good for toughening me up and working my thought processes.

I think I find it tough to get out of games with people I don't know very well. I have this thing about not wanting to offend people I don't know, weird really. So that's something to work on. But I think that as my confidence is increasing I'm finding it easier to deal with. You don't really realise how much your image affects your confidence until you do something drastic to improve it.

So, weigh in tomorrow. As usual I'm being cautious about how much I may have lost. *crosses fingers for 3.5 lb*

So, today is day 60, which kind of feels important. I'm definitely over the worst of it all, and have only 5 and a bit weeks left. Thinking about it, it doesn't feel like very long at all *panics*. Obviously, I'm gonna keep going on the food packs until I feel happy with my body. I was going to aim for 10 and a half stone, but I'm starting to think that goal might be slightly unrealistic. For a start, I'm already fitting into size 16 clothing, and I still haven't cracked the 13st barrier. I don't want to lose too much weight, after all. I wish I had a better memory of what size I was at uni, with relation to how much I weighed. Then I might have a better idea of how far I have to go. I guess I should just keep doing things until it feels right to stop.

I went out to dance class last night. I really REALLY REALLY didn't want to go, but I did anyway. Was a bit weird as I didn't know anyone else there (my friend who I normally go with was ill), but it was fun nonetheless. Ended up doing a funky routine to music from Dirty Dancing, which certainly appealed to my occasionally girlie side.

I have booked some time off work to go away for roughly when I should be finished on LL. Am going to go and visit my friend Marcus in Bristol, who I haven't seen in about 18 months now. I'm really looking forward to having a proper catch up, and possibly even hitching a ride on the back of his motorcycle! That's certainly something I would have never dared try when I was bigger. I really REALLY REALLY want to be eating again by then, even if it's whilst I'm doing Management, as it would be amazing to enjoy food once again with good company.

I was a bit concerned about my low blood pressure last week, so have been doing some research. I know, it was only slightly low, but for me that's not normal, so I wanted to do whatever I could to improve matters. It turns out most cases of hypotension are caused by lack of fluids, which totally makes sense for me for the previous 2 weeks. I know, I should be taking more care of myself, but at least hell week of mocks is over and I can focus on my LL goals a little more clearly now. So, this week I have been v good and have drunk 4 litres every day *nods*. I have three little bottles at school. I fill them twice, which makes for 3 litres, then I sip the rest at home, trying to avoid drinking too late in order to avoid the midnight toilet stop. Cos we ALL know how annoying that can be.

It feels very odd that I can almost see the end in sight now. I guess there is a certain amount of comfort to be taken from the LL routine, in that you eat the same stuff every week, you go to your meetings, you get weighed, etc etc. And it's very strange to think I only have 6 more Saturdays on the Foundation programme. VERY strange indeed. I feel like I need to prepare to step outside the comfort zone. I think I'm nearly ready for it. Nearly.

Well, after the hell week of mocks I feel a lot better within myself. No longer shall I be the stress bucket, or at least not until the same time next year :oS But for now, I am happy, and actually looking forward to going to work tomorrow and clearing my desk of all the stuff that's had to wait for a week.

Went to the weekly sesh yesterday, and once again I am the only person going. Unfortunately, due to personal issues the other lady has left the programme, poor thing. I hope she's okay. Must email her later and see how she's doing. My counsellor felt bad for me being Billy no-mates again, but truth be told, it really doesn't bother me. I work well in a group, and I work well on my own. Plus, I'm kind of used to being a loner, what with being an only child and growing up in a village with no friends near me. So yeah, I'm happy to continue the way I am. Plus, I can't help but like having one on one attention in my meetings, that's quite nice in a totally selfish way.

So yes, last week's weight loss is 3.5 lbs, which was kinda disappointing as I was getting used to 4, but hey, it's still blummin' marvellous. Any loss is great, and maybe this should teach me the lesson of not to presume too much and be grateful for whatever weight loss I have. As let’s face it, on any other diet it wouldn't be coming off so quick.

More and more size 16s are fitting me, even a pair of Next jeans, so that's good. At the mo I seem to be a 16 trouser and a 16/18 top, but then that could be me being a scaredy cat about wearing anything too clingy.

I looked at my goal tonight, and how long it would take me to get there, was a teeny bit depressing. I figured out it would take another 10 weeks, and that felt oh so long. But then again, I have another 6 weeks of foundation, and 4 weeks on top isn't really that bad. Plus, if I get to a size I'm really happy with then I will stop, regardless of whether or not I've got to 10 and a half stone.

After my monthly blood pressure check my BP is a little low (120/57), as I'm normally pretty average (120/80), so I need to keep an eye on that. Probably gonna get it checked again in a fortnight, just for my own peace of mind. I've read up on it online, and the main cause of low BP is not enough fluids, which this past week I can totally agree with. What with being stress girl I haven't had the time to drink my 4 litres, so this week I'll make a conscious effort to up my intake. Also, exercise can help, so must go to dance class on Tuesday even if I'm dying of the plague.

I am completely not myself this week. So much so that I've not been doing my homework for LL, or even trying to think about it, as at the moment? Well, my life is just a whole bunker full of ammo for thought records, and I just can't differentiate enough to be able to do one concise thought record for one thing per day. Instead my thought record goes as follows:

What happened: My life started sucking beyond belief due to work being more evil than Al Quaeida's suggestion box.

My thoughts: Why the flipping Nora does this always happen? Why on earth am I being dumped with extra work, no extra time, and oodles of stress? Nobody at work respects what I do. I am a doormat to be trodden all over whenever teachers feel like it, because I'm clearly not a real person. I'm just their butt-monkey who does their bidding and cleans up after them.

My feelings: Stressed, angry, upset, overwhelmed, panicked, depressed, exasperated, frustrated, pathetic, lonely.

What I would have done: Gone home every night and drunk far too much wine, and probably cried myself to sleep, feeling like I would never get out of this hideous job with any sanity left. Probably given up on the idea of being a teacher, because if I can't manage this load of crap, then I definitely can't cope with being a teacher.

Evidence for: I'm clearly not coping well under pressure, if I can't cope now, then I stand no chance in the future. I've done mocks before, and this time should have been easier, but instead I've made even more mistakes this time round.

Evidence against: I'm currently doing two people's jobs right now - THIS IS NOT NORMAL, NOR IS IT MY FAULT. Everybody makes mistakes from time to time, EVEN TEACHERS (heck, especially teachers in my experience). Despite the things that have gotten mucked up, very little of it is actually my fault, and I've probably got about 99% of the mocks spot on, or as good as good be given circumstances. I am not useless, and I am not taken for granted, as when I was sick last year lots of staff sent me get well messages and told me they wanted me back. People just don't appreciate what they have till it's not there, and that is not my fault.

How I react now: I still get angry and upset, as anyone would when faced with a horrid week, however instead of doing stupid things like drinking wine and crying myself to sleep, I am getting things off my chest by talking to my parents, and getting encouragement from them. I am relaxing by knitting and chatting to friends online, and I am busting stress by doing household chores like ironing. All very therapeutic. And NEXT year, the mocks will go according to plan *nods*. AND, if things are outside my control, I will not beat myself up about it.


Okay, so it's a cheat's thought record, but every record I would have done this week, well, the only thing that would have been different slightly would have been the 'what happened' comment.



I should probably update about weight. I lost 4lb on Saturday, which is brilliant. It was also fab to have someone come back to group to keep my company. Other exciting news involves me fitting back into more size 16 clothes, and the best of all - fitting into size 16 skinny jeans. Am so excited about this I may actually wear them to weigh in on Saturday just to show off. So form that paragraph, you can see my life hasn't been all doom and gloom this week.

I think I'll just be glad when the mocks are over and school can get back to some sort of normal routine. But hey, 5 down, 3 to go....